HUMOR
(and Truths)
Here's something that perhaps we can all agree:
The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Timely humor, during the Corona virus pandemic 3/30/20
Minnie: They say you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're hungry.
Winnie: I know. But it's been two weeks and I just keep getting hungrier.
"Next week we've got to get organized"
ELLIE: I drink a pint of water every night before I go to bed.
NELLIE: Why's that?
​
ELLIE: It gives me a reason to get up in the morning.
​
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "That is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day AFTER Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"
"You crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
When I die I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under the......."
Women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
​
Yogi Berra said, "You should always go to other people's funerals;
otherwise they won't come to yours".
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. - W. H. Auden
What's the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
Stan: My wife treats me like I'm a god.
Steve: So she worships, honors and obeys you?
Stan: No, she ignores me until she wants something.
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
PROGRESS ? ? ?
The New York Times notes that the Lord's Prayer has only 56 words; The 23rd Psalm has 118 words; the Gettysburg Address has 226; and the Ten Commandments, a mere 297.
The USDA directive on the pricing of cabage is 15,629 words long.
Some 1st grade wisdom
It's always darkest before......................................................"daylight saving time"
Don't bite the hand that.........................................................."looks dirty"
No news is........................................................................."impossible"
The pen is mightier than the..................................................."pigs"
An idle mind is........................................................................."the best way to relax"
A penny saved is......................................................................"not much"
If at first you don't succeed...................................................."get new batteries"
Better late than......................................................................."pregnant"
Seen on the FCA Web site:
"How would you like to wake up to the reaper on your cup?
Sure, we all would!....."What could be better than the first cup of coffee? Drinking it from our stylish mug, that's what! This mug is dishwasher and microwave-safe---designed in-house by FCA's staff member Leda Nutting."
$15 gets you the mug, designed priority shipping included. Proceeds support FCA's mission to help Americans become competent and confident when arranging the final send-off. See their Web site at: www.funerals.org
What a great "Over the Hill" gift!
A lady went to the funeral home to pay her last respects to her dear deceased husband. Upon viewing him, she told the funeral director, "Oh, no! He wanted to be buried in his best suit---it is brown, and you have him in a blue suit!" The director told her to come back in an hour and the matter would be settled. She came back and told him how wonderful it was that they could accommodate her wishes, and "how did you do that so fast?" He replied, "Oh, we found the brown suit on Henry over there, and we just switched heads".
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We cant stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of eah other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!!"
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "It worked, Honey, they're coming for Thanksgving and paying their own way!
A Snowman Funeral